I was born a baby. It was a hot August night, and I was in the back seat of a station wagon racing down US Highway 1.
I quickly assessed the situation.
My mom was Bernie Sanders. My dad was Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men.
I was in the heartland of the Confederacy.
So, as soon as I could scale the crib, I started crawling towards the border as fast as I could.
Which, unfortunately, was not fast enough to avoid some serious psychic damage.
Hence, after years of suicidal depression, at age thirty I was finally diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder.
But after ten years of therapy and EMDR and Zoloft and backpacking the Rockies and finding various versions of god and goddess, my chronic depression was behind me! I was ECSTATIC and ready to live the life I’d been missing!
So I wrote a political column for a couple of small papers. And I wrote two books: 2004’s Corruption & Cover-Ups of the Bush White House, and the novel Killing Limbaugh.
I also started making funny videos. One day I woke up to find myself in the news! One of my funny videos had gone viral(it was a mistake and that’s a long story) and then I was interviewed by NPR and featured in Spin magazine and Crooks & Liars and made headlines as far away as Germany!
Then that went away.
Next, some nice people wanted to turn my favorite beach into an exclusive resort – exclusive of ME, that is. So, I filed an appeal of the project, lost the appeal, built a movement, filed another appeal with the California Coastal Commission – and WON!
After that I didn’t do much, because I had open heart surgery and they stopped my heart for four and half hours and that will flat-out slow you down.
But I still kept doing things and making videos and one meme that got 400,000 shares and more than 20 million views!
In 2021 I erected an 8 foot high War Penis in a local park to protest our murder budget. But if the cops ask I didn’t do that because they were not amused.
Did I mention that the entire time I was doing all that, I was studying fascist dictatorships, psychopaths, sociopaths and authoritarians? And now here I am, in a burgeoning fascist dictatorship! HA HA HA! Isn’t life funny?
I have a top 1% iq. Or at least I think I do. I was one point shy of top 1% when I took the test. I was 11. IQ increases throughout adolescence so I think I probably made it. Of course I’ve tried to drink it back down again over the years, kind of intentionally. So maybe I’m 2% again. Anyway, I’m kind of up there. Or out there.
If you have a decent nugget on your shoulders, the world will drive you out of it. There’s a lot of stuff here that just don’t make no sense.
As a result of all this, I have conceptualized two movements: Ayuda Aqui, to help immigrants, and The Beautiful Movement, to help convince America that liberal democracy is worth saving.
I use satire. I also don’t. Some stuff is (supposed to be) funny. Other things are super serial. You gotta decide which is which. It’ll be FUN!
PS: I’m called The Naked Pundit because I’m a naturist. That is, I was born nude, and it was August, in South Carolina, and they put clothes on me, and I’ve been trying to stay naked as much as possible ever since. Also, because I don’t conceal much of anything. If I feel it or thin it, it will probably end up splattered all over the page. I apologize in advance for some of that.
But again – it’ll be FUN!
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