First reports have been released concerning the tragic death of Senator Lindsey Graham — and they reveal a scene of greater horror than previously imagined.
According to reports exclusively obtained by The Naked Pundit, Graham initially suffered an aortic dissection while asleeep in bed. Awakened by the pain, the Senator stumbled out of bed into a lit candle sitting on a bedside table, setting himself on fire. Panicked by the flames, Graham fled to the stairs descending into the living room, ultimately losing his footing and tumbling down them, breaking multiple bones. At the midway landing, Graham crashed through a floor-to-ceiling picture window at the bottom of the stairs, falling approximately eleven feet to the cement patio below. Now unrecognizeable due to the fire and blood and twisted bones, Graham was immediately set upon by his two pit bulls. The large, viscious dogs mauled him pretty good, at which point they dragged him him out of the yard, mostly by his throat and face, and onto the local railroad tracks, where he was ultimately struck by a southbound freight train. Authorites say the impact threw the Budget Committee Chair nearly 70 feet into a ditch alongside the tracks. Coroner Ed Barkey reported that Graham may have lived as long as six hours after impact, and listed the cause of death as consumption by a wide variety of South Carolina swamp insects. The autopsy suggests that the fleshy, partially-burned sack of broken, twisted bones may have been writhing and screaming in agony until nearly daybreak, at which point the pit bulls returned, and may have partially eaten the remains.
The White House issued a statement shortly after the report was released, saying that Senator Graham was “a huge supporter of the MAGA movement and President Donald Trump.” They ask that all donations in remembrance of the late Senator be forwarded to The Trump Organization.